19 – wall

I feel like I’ve hit the wall with this year’s Project52. My pictures and my posts are uninspired – as if I have no muse. So I’ve decided that I’m going to start writing short stories and poetry just to get my groove back. I don’t know  – maybe I’ll make it a point to write a story about my weekly picture.

Anyway, to start things off, here’s a poem I wrote when I was at UCLA. It seems like ages ago. I don’t know if I can write freely like this anymore. When I wrote this, I was young, clueless, and constantly heartbroken. I also internalized a lot of things. I’ve learned. Now, unfortunately (or fortunately?), I’m not trying to impress anyone and I’ve learned to live with my big mouth. It is what it is.

Me

My best days (so far)
I spent not with you
My dreams of yesterday
include not you
And when I reminisce
I see not you
But the shape of others
trying to be like you
For how I wished
to be with you
I wished there was
a me and you
instead of me and
someone else (not you)
in my memories
which don’t have you.
And how I’ve tried
to talk to you
and tell you how I
felt about you
But the words I spoke
were not of you
(I have to admit
I’m shy around you!)
So when I really
am with you
I indirectly
open up to you
in unspoken ways,
things just for you.
All those deeds
I did for you
are nothing like
what I’d do for you
If you knew,
a clue had you,
that my thoughts
are thoughts of you.
When tomorrow comes
and so do you
A brand new day
a day with you
I’ll do what I can
to make sure that you
know that I’m here,
I’m here for you.
If you call my name
I’ll run to you
and if you speak
I’ll listen to you;
and if you ask
I’ll give my heart to you.

Sappy enough? I got way sappier. I swear, if I write something like this today, I’d need tight pants, guyliner, and a well-worn Death Cab for Cutie CD. And I’d probably be crying because the sun came out and its beauty deserves tears…but that would make my guyliner run lines down my cheeks, in which case, I’d look like I was trying to be The Crow, but without the machismo or tragedy of Brandon Lee.

Anyway, here’s another:

Ignorance (25DEC99)

It’s so easy
to fall in love
to take that step
and never  walk out
because it  feels good
knowing that I
make somebody else feel good
but altruism aside,
it’s hard to overlook the fact
that all the love I’ve ever fallen into
was never deep
nor was it ever long-lasting
because after a while
I start losing myself
for the sake of love
and to say that I know
what love is
would be dumb
since I wouldn’t know
even if love was a neon sign
in front of my face
with spotlights focused on it
in the middle of the room
with nobody in it
but me (and the sign).
So how do I know
if she loves me
when all I have to go by
is a glance and
a smile
and a fluttering heart
due to butterflies in my stomach?

I think I just threw up in my mouth…

Next week, I’m writing a story filled with irony, zombies, monster trucks, and a Gracie brother fighting a grizzly bear. You know, guy stuff. I gotta grow some testosterone after reading what I just wrote.

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